Such a bad things, it is?
It is, after all, this is something most people avoid talking about. But come on, this blog will at least see my ups and downs. Blogging has always been my coping mechanism - one of the healthiest among others (even though there's so many post just being draft). Haha
At this very moment, living by chasing impressions and meeting the expectations of others is a long job. This is a very lonely job even when you have partners (and I'm more than grateful to have a good person to partner with), it's still a lonely job.
Because the existence without recognition of it makes people feel lonely and alienated. And that feeling is the most painful feeling for a human who feels that he exists. Agree with that?
"Breaking things down" is just another mantra in gaining recognition. My inability to serve as an effective manager is very low due to my limited psychological energy.
I just realized in the recent months, that I am a human. I am not a robot. And no matter how gifted my mind is, it only has a finite amount of energy.
Stumbled upon me just a few hours ago was an article which explains the true nature of resilience. Resilience, it turned out, is not about endurance, but about recharging it is. The ability to be resilient lies on the strategic stops one deliberately makes during the long journey to become a human.
I have been thinking that what saps my energy the most is the current state of competence people around me have. The thing is, we have been doing something which requires a set of unique skills. And maybe, I am lucky enough to collect such skills along the way.
It may sound narcissistic, but I believe I am just lucky enough that my life journey has shaped me to become somebody with a broad range of skills (in three categories: hard, soft, and life). And I know, it is not humane to expect people do things at my level.
So it would take an extraordinary amount to close their mouths full of judgments and expectations as if it were your responsibility, because you are at a different level. While at the same time I had to learn to find out the things that I was responsible for which I did not have fundamental knowledge about.
While I feel frustrated because of other people's dilettante circumstances, I myself am dilettante in things that I have to do. And that's how brutal - later on - the life of an Isan.
At the end of the day, I am grateful to have people around me who keep reminding me that I am self-conscious and in control in the midst of this always chaotic situation. With them, I found my recharge. With them I can share laughter discussing stupid things. Or make fun of life. HAHAHA
Some people might have never been in the worst situation ever that they couldn’t even empathise the feeling like dying state which occurs regularly to me.
Some people might say A in front of us, but say B instead behind us. And that’s life.
Life and all its problems. Just like civilization and its discontents.
People who merely observe sometimes don’t know our real situation, until they see what kind of problematic state we’re in. Until they got their contact of the things they think we are complaining about.
But having said that, I am a man with self-belief. I couldn’t not recognise the signs that I was born to do something rare. And all these blade years, and me not dying nor quitting despite of everything are the battle scar etched on my skin.
That’s the suffering which will bring enlightenment.
I sincerely believe that each pain paves our way into personal betterment.
Even though the concept of psychological entropy is being revisited, I believe that the normal state of the mind is unaware.
Through anxiety, ironically, people are forced to become self-aware.
Unless they do regular mindfulness practice, be it writing a journal or meditating.
Sekali lagi deh, live to express not to impress
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